1Dear readers of high birth, and those scuttling seated in the wodehouse,

2The latest inventioun of mine {see my other treatise "Greate Inventiouns and how to cure them"} is turning oute to be a novelty faire! I have devised, no! divined a way of capturing a Man's and a wombans likeness with such incredulous realisticism the mind is fooled - fooled! - into seeing a real vision. But it IS NOT! The method, as I shall

3It all begins with a goat.

4Nellye, my past pet, graciously lent herself to provyiding a portable surface for my invention. Her skinn was removed (admittedly against her will at first, but she soon calmed righte down) and bathed in a gentle lime water. (nay, the rock powder called lime, not the cocktail fruit, tender reader). My wife's handmaiden, Jason, provided various tools and the considerable strength of her arms (if you've seen my wife you will understand the need) to rasp the fur and other bits off the skin. We stretched Nellye's hide over my wife's hosiery rack. Unfortunately, poor Nellye was rather a thick-skinned beast, so we used Jason's defoliating stone to pound Nellye's vellum into a soft and supple sheet. Those of you with fine lambskin boots, or those of you who have seen a pair of fine lambskin boots while walking past the bazaar on the way to labouring in the fields, will recognise the almost-transparent tincture of a young animal’s skin.

5The vellum, four weeks later, was ready for me.

6As is tradition I kept poor Nellye's gall bladder in a jar, with some of Nanny's foot oil to preserve it, but the jar turned completely black. I dipped my rabbit's foot in to see if Nanny had perhaps used the gally bladder for pie, but it was still inside.

7I made lines on the vellum in Nellye’s gall with a gimlet wrapped in squirrel hair in the shape of my dear wife's body and boudoir. (the lines, not the gimlet, though the distinction is subtle.) Before I had spoken twice I had made several of these inky drawings.

8I laid my images out in a room I titled the Gall-Aria and many visitors were impressed by my gall.

9On the hint of one of these visitors I bought several pigments from the local Illuminati: Lapis lazuli, whiten lead, rust red, ground malachite and golded oil, and I used them to colour the open areas in a tone and hue that matched my wife's dear skin. Not wanting to waste the precious pigments I made sure every stroke of my squirrelly brush was correct.

10After only 3 weeks my invention was complete – a perfect illusion of my wife! How she laughed with glee when I showed her my master-piece. Soon afterwards a passer by offered a large amount of gold for the image of my wife emerging in all innocence fromme her slumber! I can not express mye happiness and joy and thank the Reverand Grastyne wholeheartedly.

11Fuelled by my triumph, I set forthe to create yet more of these illusions, I shall pass the skill on to my newborn son, Jan (immaculately conceived), that he may continue the arte at his leisure.

12The Gall-Aria has become a hubbub of veritable arteists, all keenly interested in my technique, all come by every day, sometimes twyce a day, to squint very closely at how I painted my wife’s skin, hair, and feet. She disappears with them and theye have long talks about vellum and gall, and the use of goats in modern arte, she tells me.

13I have since sold many other goat-skins with my wife on. One day I may paint a goat…